


war of hearts

by goducksgo



Series: !magic! [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Albus Severus Potter Feels, Albus Severus Potter Needs a Hug, And Gets One, Angst, Denial of Feelings, Harry Potter Needs to Read a Parenting Book, Implied/Referenced Coming Out, Implied/Referenced Self Harm, Internalized Homophobia, James Sirius Potter is a Good Brother, Mentioned Brief Suicidal Ideation, Panic Attacks, Quidditch is a Real Sport, Scorpius Malfoy & Albus Severus Potter Friendship, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Slytherin Albus Severus Potter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:07:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23589634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goducksgo/pseuds/goducksgo
Summary: come to mein the night hoursi will wait for youand i can't sleep'cause thoughts devourthoughts of you consume(war of hearts, ruelle)__________________________albus' struggles with his feelings for a certain blonde haired, silver eyed friend.(companion piece in the !magic! series)
Relationships: Albus Severus Potter & James Sirius Potter, Scorpius Malfoy & Albus Severus Potter
Series: !magic! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1696918
Comments: 2
Kudos: 42





	war of hearts

**Author's Note:**

> aahh i want to give albus a hug so bad :(( trigger warnings for non-explicit self-harm, internalized homophobia, and lots of angst !!
> 
> enjoy this fic, kudos and comments make my day!
> 
> **may 4th update: rewritten in proper case, small changes made!

**_Hogwarts, Dungeons_ **

**_09.16.2019_ **

"Shhh, Scorpius, shut up!" I whispered, creeping back to the dormitories, my best friend by my side, not-so-quietly laughing. It was past midnight, and if we were caught in these corridors this time of night, I wouldn't hear the end of it from Dad (even though he did this _all the time_ when he was my age). 

"Relax, we're almost there." Scorpius whispered back, gesturing to the stone wall we were nearing, the entrance to our common room. 

We continued to tip-toe our way down the stone stairs to the dungeon, being careful not to make too much noise. Now standing in front of the stone doorway, Scorpius muttered a cursory 'Fortune, non opus,' the door slowly creaking open. We discreetly entered the space, breathing a sigh of relief as the stone opening closed behind us. 

"I swear, I don't think I could possibly stand another detention of writing endless Latin - McGonagall truly comes up with strange and unusual punishments." I murmured, ascending the staircase to the third-year rooms. 

"I can't believe she once made us sweep the _entire_ Great Hall, now _that_ was cruel." Scorpius grinned, recalling the time he and I had been caught trying to launch our makeshift fireworks at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, one sugary caffeine-fueled, fateful night in our second year. 

We were nearing our floor when just for a moment, the light from the torches lining the staircase reflected in Scorpius' eyes. The way the golden-yellow light from the small fire illuminated the dark grey pupils of my best friend's eyes made my heart flutter _. Were they always so grey? I mean, I stare at them all the time but I've never noticed they were so goddamn gorgeous -_

I abruptly stopped my train of thoughts. 

Quickly changing out of my cloak and whispering a quick _g'night_ to my best friend, I slipped into my bed and let the curtains close around it. Engulfed in darkness, I tried to ignore the _significantly_ noticeable beating of my heart. _Stop it. Stop. Scorpius is your friend. He's your best friend. Nothing more, Nothing less._

_But I think -_

_No._ I forcibly shook my head. _I don't think anything. He's just a friend._

_I like girls, I like girls, I do. I was the first guy to notice Emmy's new ear piercing, and I found it really co - attractive._

I continued to reassure myself my brief heart malfunction in the staircase was just that, a mistake. Because I wasn't, I'm not - 

Scorpius is a _friend._

Just a really great friend. 

  
  


____________________________

  
  


**_Home_ **

**_08.29.2020_ **

_"There are times I wish you weren't my son."_

My dad's voice echoed in my head over and over and over again. It hurt, but I understood. I deserved it. 

Of course he wished I wasn't his son. I wasn't smart or athletic like James, and nowhere close to being as outgoing and kind hearted as Lily. 

_Plus you fuck yourself up every night with that stupid blade taped underneath your bedside table._

The urge to get that piece of metal couldn't be any stronger in that moment.

_You've been clean since the start of summer break._ I reminded myself.

_Scorpius wouldn't want you to._

_But what does it matter anyway? He isn't even here, and school doesn't start for four days. A couple days of applying healing charms and they won't even show._

  
  


_Fuck it._

. . .

As I fell asleep that night, a dull pain radiating from my bottom left rib cage, I thought back to my dad. 

_He doesn't care about me._

_Who would?_

I could only think of one answer to that question: Scorpius. My best friend. My other half. The only person who understood the constant pressure that came from _just_ _existing_ as Harry Potter's son, the person who shared the burden of the merciless teasing, the being pushed down stairs, the beating up in the courtyard - 

I inhaled a shaky breath. I didn't like thinking of the fact that I would have to return to that in less than a week. 

_I wish he was here right now. He would tell me everything would be okay._

_That even though I relapsed after eight weeks of being clean, everything would be okay._

_That even though I was thinking about running away from home and hurling myself off a bridge right now, everything would be okay._

I imagined his arms wrapping around my body, the pain from my _earlier activities_ starting to subside as I pictured his warm breath against my neck, his whispering of assurances in my ear, feeling his heartbeat sync with mine, him turning me around gently, bringing his face close to mine, and -

_No. No no no no no no._

I shoved my face in a pillow to rid myself of the intrusive thoughts. Scorpius wasn't here. _He isn't here, Albus. And I like girls. Kissing girls. Dating girls. All the stuff Teddy and James talk about. I want to do that someday. With a girl._

_Right?_

Sleep didn't come easy that night. 

____________________________

  
  


**_Hogwarts, Slytherin Fifth-Year Dormitories_ **

**_04.05.2022_ **

I tried to ignore the fleeting feeling of _regret_ as I settled into bed. 

I came out. To James. Not something I thought I would do after the quick bout of Quidditch tonight. 

I'm not gonna lie, I was terrified. Sitting on the damp, cool grass of the field, the words were almost caught in my throat when I tried to let them out. But as I looked up at the starry sky above me, the vast expanse reminded me of the world beyond Hogwarts, beyond the seven years I would spend here, beyond the confines I had locked myself in. 

I was tired of watching every word I said aloud. The avoidance of family meals and gatherings because _all they would do is talk._ The fear of accidentally outing myself became a constant in my life I quickly became sick of. 

Of course, telling James I was gay wasn't going to fix everything. There was still everyone else. But in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to say it out loud _, admit it to myself_ and share that part of me with someone I had grown to trust immensely. 

The hug that James gave me right after I told him felt like it was breaking every bone in my body, but it was everything I wanted it to be. It felt like a sudden rush of emotions: love, acceptance, and trust, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes as I thought back on it now. 

I turned to my side, facing Scorpius' bed. The next person I would have to tell. 

I told James about how I felt, _certain feelings_ for a _certain someone_ , and the glimmer in his eyes told me he knew who it was. 

So why couldn't Scorpius just realize it too?

I sighed. That would have to come another day, if ever. _Hopefully soon._

____________________________

  
  


**_Hogwarts, Unknown Corridor_ **

**_05.22.2022_ **

I raced down the empty hall, skidding to slow down as I turned the next corner. I didn't even know where I was going, racing thoughts running apace in my head. 

_My life is over I kissed my best friend and now Scorpius knows and shit Teddy knows and this can't be real this can't be happening_

_Stupid stupid stupid mistake I'm a mistake_

It wasn't until I finished darting up a staircase and reached a huge portrait hanging on the wall that I fell to my knees, sitting down on the cold, stiff stone floor, trying to calm down. 

_Relax relax shut up someone's gonna hear you and great, now you're crying, shut up shut up shut up_

I was out of breath and tried counting to 30 in my head - it didn't work - and clumsily wiped off the river of tears falling down my panicked face, when I heard the _swoosh_ of something swinging open. I looked up to see one of my brother's friends - _Alexander, he plays Quidditch with James, he's looking at you weird you have to calm down calm down -_ with a look of confusion, laced with empathy. He took one glance at me, concern etching itself into his face and calmly asked,

"You okay?"

No, I wasn't. I was _far_ from okay.

_____________________________

  
  


**_I can't help but love you_ **

**_Even though I try not to_ **

**_I can't help but want you_ **

**_I know that I'd die without you_ **

**_I can't help but be wrong in the dark_ **

**_'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_ **

**_I can't help but want oceans to part_ **

**_'Cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts_ **

**Author's Note:**

> 100% recommending that you give "war of hearts" by ruelle a listen right now, it's a beautiful song, inspired this entire fic!
> 
> thanks sm for reading, have a beautiful day you beautiful soul :))


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